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Prologue Please bring him back. The whispered prayer was out of my mind and mouthing past my lips before I could stop it. "One!" The room erupted around me. Cheering and screaming. People pressed together, hugging and kissing, shrieking their Happy New Year's. I stood in the centre of the commotion like a statue and no one noticed. No one saw me and for a few moments I flirted with the idea that my prayer had been answered. And instead of Tobey coming back I had gone to him, wherever he was. And now no one could see me. Then Dad came into my view. He pulled me in for a hug. A manly, quick hug that involved a hard couple of pats on my back. I smiled when he pulled away, smiled because it was instinct and because they were my parents and I loved them and didn't want them worrying over me tonight of all nights. Mum grabbed me next. Holding my face in her hands, squeezing my cheeks, making me want to cry like a baby. "Happy New Year, darling," she gushed, kissing my mouth and then hugging me. Over her shoulder I repaid her sentiment. When we parted I knew I had to get away from them. Looking at their excited beaming faces was breaking my heart. Because they didn't understand - either couldn't or wouldn't. I didn't want to ruin their fun. I just wanted to be alone. Away from the bright lights; no matter how much of a treat they were, they didn't belong to my world. They belonged to my mother and father's. This night had been put on for the elder people, not us youngsters who couldn't even remember a time before the restrictions had been set in place. "I have to call Lucy," I said, pulling my mobile phone out of my pocket. |
My parents nodded their heads and shooed me away. I wouldn't get a reception of course. There were few masts operating in this area and on a night like this everyone would be trying to call loved ones. I thought I'd try anyway. I hadn't spoken to Lucy much lately. Things had changed between us - so very quickly. She hadn't liked those changes and I had no energy or desire to make her accept them. I moved into a dark corridor. The door opposite was shut, if the one behind me shut too then I would be plunged into darkness. I wasn't afraid of the dark - who was these days? - but I knew what could happen in dark places. So I wedged my foot in the door, stopping it from falling completely closed but blocking out most of the noise. I dialled the number and got immediately directed to voice mail. Did Lucy even still have her mobile phone? Yes, I decided. Her parents were very rich and she was very spoilt. She hadn't had to give up luxuries. Well, not all of them anyway. Now I had a decision to make: leave a message or not? I decided not to. Was I a wimp? Probably. But what would I have said anyway? "Hey, it's me, Sean - how are you? I'm still depressed and still want to die. Thanks for ruining my life." That wasn't fair, of course. It wasn't Lucy's fault. But the trip to Los Angeles had been her treat. What we'd found there hadn't been her fault or what had happened after we'd come home, but perhaps I'd have been better off if I'd have never set foot in that desert town. But then again, she probably felt the same way about me and my choices. I moved back into the room, smiling instinctively at the drunk excited people that I passed by. I found a seat and settled down. Mum and Dad had probably already left. It was late for them - already ten past midnight. The mood was starting to slip. People were realising that the lights would blink out soon and the jovial mood would wink shut with them. I slouched back in my seat and observed the proceedings while twirling my phone in my hand. Was I waiting for Lucy to call me back? Groups of embracing drunken men moved past me. They were rowdy and obnoxious. One of them grabbed himself and thrust his pelvis at me. The smile I gave him was one of disgust. That pretty face of mine |